Waking Up

Waking Up

when darkness erupts
around me
I think of you
non-sexual
smiling, standing there
with a wing span outreach
that could cover the room
but you don’t move
you just stand there
smiling
I want you to come over
hover
wait, when you did that before
I made you disappear

my golden gate
open
only after the laughter
has subsided
then these dreams occur
your smell returns
like ghosts I can’t touch
but I see
clear as summer’s sun
I see you
but can no longer touch you

In memoriam
I just breathe 

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Shadow

Shadow

in spit of your passing
I feel you in my shadow
perhaps as my guardian
perhaps my lack of purge
to let you go

my heart
my soul
I cannot part
we always become one
in the dark
I see you there
I see you here
perched
spewing
your likeness in remembrance

I feel your embrace
breathing shallow in your last day
but in my shadow you reside
as I make efforts now
to the pass time away

I Pack These Holes

I Pack These Holes

I pack these holes
with our memories
our girls letting
me know you’re close
to the door
pheromones fill joy
and we’re high for the night

I pack these holes
with memories
of you dancing when you think
I’m not looking
you’re gorgeous, no exceptions

I pack these holes
because without you
I’m broken
disheveled
moving in this existence
to just exist

I pack these holes
with everything you were
and everything we could have been
an essence
sweet to the taste
with a backbone
strong, never brittle

I pack these holes
with tearless dreams
where bloodshed
happened only in nightmares

I pack these holes
with a simple dream
one day I’ll hear
your voice again

Searching for Missing Pieces

Searching for Missing Pieces

as we approach
the one year mark
I look to my partner
for my missing pieces
hoping she stuffed
my pride and good health
in her purse for safe keeping

stylized mistakes and heartbreak
accepting responsibility
a journey I’m just beginning
so I’m hoping she can breath easy
putting the tears in her pockets
for I know some days
I’m reckless

with a therapist quoting progress
my past negates my present
negativity infused
drooling at the site of misery
please cut me loose
unleash this rocket of insensitivity
broken with wounds swollen

but as I get better
with promises in hand
blistered and bloody
from this fight inside
I’ve learned to cry
rejuvenate through the flood
clearing the dust

on all parts that ceased
to function when I let go
of loving me
picking up my missing pieces
walking this long road
gaining confidence once again
to hold with all my might, this time

Love’s Dilemma

Love’s Dilemma

not safe in a grasp
of unsteady hands ready
to spill destruction
over everything it touches

so I’m left with nothing fighting battles in different war zones
and its mostly within me
can’t you hear screaming?

breaking down walls
to build them up tall
then watch them fall
at the sight of it all

this rhythmic pattern circles
my life pulls me like magnates
but which way is right?

my mind tells me love is
my heart tells love hurts
my eyes tell me love shows
but only my soul really knows

in its purest fashion
of something intangible caressing my shoulders causing
eyelids to flutter at its lost

the search continues to feel again but at what cost
when instability settles
in my direction at each corner
of Heartbreak and Disaster

Please Remember Me

Please Remember Me

please remember
as I keep time counting
teardrops as months go by
wishing you smiles genuine
with every hug and kiss
he gives that I couldn’t

please remember as I pour
blood out my wounds filling
them with salt embracing
its stinging sensations just to feel something

my confession is a simple lesson learning
who I am, who I’m not, no longer guessing
this mating dance I can’t step to

my angers a mine field
not to be explored
though your love carried me
I’m far from shore

without the life jacket of your smiling face
my only destiny
wasting away in this disguise
I bore
anger exposed
I can’t find your tears anymore

so please remember the feels
we shared kissing
tremors down your spine
creating smiles in moonlight

for I’m more of a man
than a broken heart can fear
worthy of a soulmate’s love
some way, some day

with any ounce of you
please remember me