Journal Entry #5

A lot has been happening to and around me that has allowed me to keep getting/receiving different perspectives on how my life should. I’m human so I won’t deny that I make mistakes, but without sounding like an arrogant prick, I seem to better than most. I mean I walk different than the general population, but as a positive, that has allowed me gain empathy, compassion and a cache of other qualities others seem to lack. Just last week, a lower level employee (by no means would it be appropriate for someone in a senior position to approach me in this manner as well) asked me why I walk the way I do.  It took most of had in me to not tell how she disgusted me based on her overall rudeness, let alone in an office setting.  On a personal level, I was blown away that someone would have the audacity to ask that at all, but especially in a work setting–just a huge Human Resources issue.

I think, because of my impairment, I have a value of life more, in that I appreciate the smallest things. Someone else’s ability to smile genuinely makes me happy. A moment or two without pain is worth a toast.  Such things as getting out of bed without a muscle spasm, but I see folks running, skipping and jumping, yet they want to take up the use of an elevator or seat on a bus.  Even in my state, I typically offer my seat to someone I feel will have a harder time standing than myself.  Yesterday, with my cane in hand, this guy just sat there looking at me.  Due to the fact that my being in therapy for close to a year has made me a docile puppy dog, I tend to avoid conflict now. Otherwise, I would have told him to get the fuck out of the way. A lady offered me her seat, but I politely refused since I wasn’t in agony.  Besides I’m still a man and I kind of have that women and children first thing embedded in me–unless they’re a bitch to me then that goes out the window.

Ok, have to get off this train.  I will finish getting this all out later.