Should Be Thankful But

I should have plenty to be thankful for this year–the reinvention of a spirit that has been broken and scarred since childhood has been very tough mentally to address but I have. So many emotions I have overcome to finally start addressing the problem (and I have few folks I can thank for that).  I guess I have always been unappreciative though; always looking for more or the next big thing, dubbing myself the ultimate opportunist.  This is just different. I feel my unhappiness in the pit of my stomach. So much so, I’m feeling sick right now. 

The holidays and everyday for that matter, should be spent with people that fill your heart the most and while I am thankful for the new additions in my life, I still cherish and love, with everything in me, the ones I can no longer touch. That, alone, brings forth a pain that I can’t escape.

My Problems ARE more Important

I get sick of people trying to place me on a guilt trip about not seeing past the smile and seeing the good. For most of my life, I have been told I let my problems consume me; they are bigger than me and bigger than anyone else in my life. That’s just the way I operate until I have a concrete resolution that will fix the issue.

When so call friends say I thinok my problems are bigger than the world, I automatically shut down. I immediately think i’m hanging around the wrong people when I hear this judgment out of their mouths. Is it too much for people to get to know me and understand that I don’t really care what they think.  I can only be who I am.

State of Confusion

State of Confusion

missing the sexiness
of your breath
brushing the nape
of my neck

mixed at the bottom
of that broken glass
dripping red wine

I imagine
the hell fire I’m stuck
in every time I stare
at the barren wasteland
behind your eyes

hearing your voice
echoing the moans
of your lovers
as they push inside

pleasuring them
as if they’re me

true belief
isn’t coming to terms
with a past unjust
a beggar’s wish
for sustenance denied

my pride is left
to stand trial
without a judge or jury
to weigh in the facts

a hasty conviction
has me resting
in purgatory

Small Steps to Improvement

I’m proud of myself for the track that I’ve been on. I have been steadily taking my meds and staying away from negativity.  I’m consistently trying to understand and stay away from anything that may trigger anxiety and/or anger.  So far it has been working. I’ve also been able to keep my stress levels down at work even with an increasing workload.

I’m just looking for positive encounters and surrounding myself around genuine people that believe in honesty and humility.  All of these changes are helping me internally for the better.  That, at least, makes me smile.

Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

I’ve heard my entire life that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  The older a person gets, the harder it is to convince them of anything other than their normalcy.  While, in a lot of cases, I have found this to be true, I would have to disagree.  I have been screwing up, alienating myself and just being a total dick to just about everyone for the last 15 years or so.  I’ve come to see the error of my ways and while I’m a hard work in progress, change is possible.  I have to remember my overall objective and tell myself that it isn’t worth hurting others and I will not get satisfaction out of it long term, but it has been working for me for the last 8 months or so.  Do I have set backs?  Sure.  However, I’ve come to learn that falling down in life is, in fact, a part of life.  I’ve been so comfortable on the floor and pulling others down to my level, that I forgot what it felt like to stand up and stretch.  Now that I’m broadening my horizons, putting myself on the line completely and opening up (as scary as all of this is for me), I have come to appreciate a different side to life.  I know the my heart is good.  I just have to man the reigns and hold on this mindset that likes to run away from me at times.  It is so easy for me to be angry and take it out on others because that is what I have been doing virtually my entire life.  There’s no challenge in it.  The feat I’m trying to accomplish gives me so much more of a high because it IS difficult for me.  Being nice is hard for me, but I have been realizing that maybe there is a different approach I can take.  People don’t have to fear me for me to be tolerated.  People don’t have to secretly judge me and then smile in my face to tolerate me. I can genuine allow people to get to know me and hope for the best.  So far, I’ve had mixed results and my anger likes to take over at times, as a protection mechanism, but for once, I’m going to try keep my guard down; for now.