Searching Alone

Searching Alone

I used to love tug of wars
and spilled milk
cop calls and knife jabs

now I stand alone
on this corner
of miscommunication and promiscuity

lost in a thousand hands
and closed eyes searching
for a substance I can’t provide

a spirit left under the rail car
on 95th St. trying
to make it to Trinity

can a God not seen
save a soul that’s made a living
demeaning everyone in his path?

unforgiven
in mind and spirt
where it matters most

now my spirit lies dormant
perfectly placed
under a pile of has-beens

Love Dweller

Love Dweller

I.

on this road travelled
see the skids where I tried to stop
in a position where I left it there
my heart still beating
however, naked and bare

II.

animosity burns its victim charred
to the 3rd degree
now you take your time to heal
regain how to feel
I’ll just wait on chance

III.

tear drops call my name
I ignore the pain
this old heart still feels the same
it won’t change,  I still smile
every time I hear your name

They’re Not You

They’re Not You

pass over pretty girls
like yesterday’s news
they’re not you

listening to their brilliant banter
as it crackles over my illusion
they’re not you

as I fondle freedom stealing
kisses in the darkness
they’re not you

my emptiness erupts
the lost of feeling in these eyes
they’re not you

so i don’t pretend just ponder
loneliness in a crowded room
they’re. not. you

Journal Entry #9

I’m the first person to admit how much life has limited my reaction time. I’m so guarded that those I call friends are so far and few in between, I only need one hand to count them; the best friend circle is even smaller. That, in itself, is such a new concept that the thought of using the term seems forced at times.  The revalation that I actually need people around me to focus is an everyday struggle.  However, it’s true that the older I get, the lonlier I become, which causes me anxiety and then I become more withdrawn. 

I have criticized myself for being my own enemy–fighting against what I know to be the right thing because of the self-sabotage attitude that I have.  I have pushed countless people out of my life just because I looked at them as toys I could take and put back on the shelf at my own will. It’s hard for me to admit I need someone then be rejected.  That has happened a few times.  I write that off as karma working at its best. I’m a broken man simply because, naturally, I seek to break others down.  For years I have analyzed this trait inside me with no such luck of improving, but I still work on it.

The lack of understanding and/or sensitivity that I’m afforded by others makes me withdrawn. The grudge list builds no matter how hard I try to move forward and forget. Maybe this is why I subject myself to isolation even though my need for company is very apparent at this stage in my life. Well, such is life when one takes a step forward, the two steps that will push them backward, are usually around the next corner.