To Only You

No matter how hard life may be or how good, my soul still aches for you. I dream of your presence and there’s no mistaken you with a present or future. Still the best thing I could breathe in our species.

I think of you at my best. I think of you at my worst. My heart wants your happiness and my spirit wants your smile. I no longer have to say your name because the universe, everything around me, says it so loudly.

If there’s ever a day you think I don’t believe you matter,  think again and breathe deep – I’m sure you’ll feel me.  Thank you from afar.

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Searching Alone

Searching Alone

I used to love tug of wars
and spilled milk
cop calls and knife jabs

now I stand alone
on this corner
of miscommunication and promiscuity

lost in a thousand hands
and closed eyes searching
for a substance I can’t provide

a spirit left under the rail car
on 95th St. trying
to make it to Trinity

can a God not seen
save a soul that’s made a living
demeaning everyone in his path?

unforgiven
in mind and spirt
where it matters most

now my spirit lies dormant
perfectly placed
under a pile of has-beens

Demon Child

Demon Child

if I was
a religious man
I’d say I was the spawn
of Satan
a demon child placed
in dwellings to create chaos
to kill hearts
with angered kindness

if I washed
in holy water
would I screech
from the sacred burn
of the just throwing
stones to knock out
my sins

mutilated flesh picked
apart by the vultures
of the night life I partake
popping pills waiting for
the next vodka shot

as the tears fall
what goes up my nose
loosens the thoughts
I can’t shake with a dance move

then I think of her as I crash
the fruit of my loneliness
I’m ridding my sins
with a blade and  a flame
in 3 hours I’m at it again

Searching

Searching

seeped out wells
too dry to find
tears waiting
for their place
to call home

instead I search
for a touch
long lost
in my indecisive anger

set my soul ablaze
in fear of letting go
so she just walked
away without a bread crumb
to follow
xeroxed copies
of a heart damaged
looking for its owner

in a snowstorm buried
deep is its key
the only way to release
me and my mistakes

open the safe and kiss me

The Lost Boy

The Lost Boy

I.

bones scream for sanctions
as Mother Nature creates
this incarceration
pushing joints to the limit
while Father Time reprimands
what’s seen as a gimmick
a cane in hand
finds this boy’s true tune
balance and chaos

II.

smile creeps across
a face unaware of his torture
his smooth blade creating
designs drawn in blood
for its purpose reflects
the shedding
of a past not ready to let go

III.

drip by drip
tears form puddles
at my bedside detailing
layers of failure and deceit
troubling concoctions brewed
by premeditated emotion
to obtain the affection needed
just to keep breathing
and I’m still not living

The Wrong Thing

I must be seeking out heartache; having a desire to know what is going on in a life that no longer belongs to me. Mentally, I am there, ashamed by my failure and devastated by my lost. Physically, miles away isolated in sorrow.  My babies no longer smell me or see me as their guardian.  Instead, they lay next to another man who probably treats them just the same–with love. That used to be what I wanted for the three of them, but now I want them back. Piper and Kahlo would learn to love my male lead, Sebastian. A true “king” in how he prances about commanding attention.  This isn’t about my new addition.  This is about an ex and what I still call family.

How could the right thing be to let go of what I love so much? The saying if you love something, let it go; if it is meant to be, it will come back to you is bullshit. I’ve shed blood, tears and everything else and now I’m ready to give everything up to claim what’s mine. A sacrifice for what I hold dear at an expense I’m not sure how great.  This is not a want, it is a need. Sebastian keeps me sane, but the void of what I’ve lost, after seeing him and them with my own eyes is bigger now. What would you do for the one thing you love most of all? Me, I’d give my freedom. I’d give my life.

Skeleton

Skeleton

tried to put my skeleton
in the closet
his shoulders too big to fit

sweat beads up on brows
when I feel strangers creeping
up on secrets I can’t share
how will it be judged
as the sunshine hits its surface?

I pop pills for reassurance
confiding in my skeleton
my objectivity the least of worries

as I
shelter it
harbor it
labor over it
to make it clean

trying to erase its stains
tubes of ceramic glue scatter
my world
the last hope to close
the cracks I see  everyday staring
back at me