Waking Up

Waking Up

when darkness erupts
around me
I think of you
non-sexual
smiling, standing there
with a wing span outreach
that could cover the room
but you don’t move
you just stand there
smiling
I want you to come over
hover
wait, when you did that before
I made you disappear

my golden gate
open
only after the laughter
has subsided
then these dreams occur
your smell returns
like ghosts I can’t touch
but I see
clear as summer’s sun
I see you
but can no longer touch you

In memoriam
I just breathe 

On My Own

On My Own

It’s taken years
to put down this torch filled
with fire and spite
the burns on forearms
could never lie
what this mouth
could omit

I often wonder if you’re well
or in hell
or do I care
because I still can’t forgive
my heartache has hardened
on the stone wall I threw
myself repeatedly
trying to get back
to eyes that showed the future
to hands that performed
magic without a rabbit and a hat
and spirit remaining calm
in disaster

what was a replacement
is now a momento sitting
by the trash
displaced without emotion
lacking Steel Toes to continue walking
I’ve given up on this dream

who cares if I smile
if my heart can’t feel it

To Only You

No matter how hard life may be or how good, my soul still aches for you. I dream of your presence and there’s no mistaken you with a present or future. Still the best thing I could breathe in our species.

I think of you at my best. I think of you at my worst. My heart wants your happiness and my spirit wants your smile. I no longer have to say your name because the universe, everything around me, says it so loudly.

If there’s ever a day you think I don’t believe you matter,  think again and breathe deep – I’m sure you’ll feel me.  Thank you from afar.

Shadow

Shadow

in spit of your passing
I feel you in my shadow
perhaps as my guardian
perhaps my lack of purge
to let you go

my heart
my soul
I cannot part
we always become one
in the dark
I see you there
I see you here
perched
spewing
your likeness in remembrance

I feel your embrace
breathing shallow in your last day
but in my shadow you reside
as I make efforts now
to the pass time away

Fuck Cancer (for mom)

Fuck Cancer (for mom)

I stand against adversity
remaining strong
though these knees are weak
and this spineĀ  feeble
you come lean
on this pillar
of my spirit when needed
and I will carry you
in this darkness

I will not settle
for less than your best
I will not pass
on you to be meek
because I’ve seen your strength
laid at my feet

I have courage
I am brave
because you exist
in me

I may shed a tear
relax a smile
but I will not bend or break
I will act as your guard
in the face of your discomfort
my heart will not beat less
in the face of fear
I will not falter
and give in
for your illness
has already seen
its end

it can’t have you
you’re already mine

I Throw Exes in Boxes

I Throw Exes in Boxes

I throw exes in boxes
seal with duct tape
place in a far corner
of a locked cellar

so they can’t hear my screams
cries that echo
in the walls shaking
the very foundation we built

I throw exes in boxes
on hands and knees barely
breathing

a mess folded
up in sheets
with all the regrets
I’m bleeding

I throw exes in boxes
sealed with duct tape
twice so their smiles
can’t escape my memory

cause without them
I’m an imperfection
dreading existing

For As Long

For As Long

baby seems to change
with every relationship acquired
and though I don’t call you specific
your nickname holds a weight
only you can carry
unique in image
you validate my insecurity
hold on to me
like I’m the only man
you can see
what does that mean?

pieces of my heart
scatter in your palms
refusing to gel in fear
of what may become of us
but Love I’ve befriended well
as you can tell

open the bottle cap
and drink from this elixir
for as long as I have you
you’ll get all I can give
accept me as I am
be my friend
because I’m a gem
needing polish
as I wipe me clean
time and again
your patience met
gratitude way before
you took the polar plunge
into a heart frozen over
a diamond buried
I look to you
to find me

cherish distinctively
revel in a dream
I lost sight of years prior
I yelled and hollered
and you answered the call
so for as long as I can
I’ll press on
bleeding out the better of me
for you to see
insecurity and all
what Love really does to me
dreaming to dream
with you, holding on