A New Year, Not A New Beginning

Today doesn’t mark a new start for me.  I’m not giving up on the things I want to change about myself, the dreams I have nor am I looking to forget memories that may cause me anxiety or pain; they are what I use as a template to improve in all aspects of my life.  I don’t make New Years resolutions because I never stick to them. I just want to remain calm (it’s when I am my best me) and get through each day one at a time.  The year 2013 has brought me health issues that I have dealt with in private, changes and challenges in my job, intense therapy sessions, mental constraints and various relationships, all, of which, I take in stride.

Those that I love, however few, near or far, I wish happiness as we all continue moving forward with what we have, utilizing life’s tools to the best of our ability.

Introducing Sebastian!


Piper and Kahlo happen to be the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten and even though I haven’t seen my babies in a very long time, that still reigns true.  However, in the picture above, I’ve landed an amazingly, calm cat right in my lap, I affectionately named Sebastian. He is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten, thanks to some amazing co-workers.  He is, besides my babies, of course, the most beautiful cat I’ve ever seen (helps that every time I look at him, I’m reminded of the lion cub I’ve always wanted lol).

Sebastian came to me as a Secret Santa gift–something we do every year in the office and I happened to get a co-worker that knows me well enough to know that if I was to get another cat, Sebastian is what he would look like.  I still can’t wrap my mind around how she planned it and included other people I work with in on the surprise.  Hell, they even snuck him in the office.  When I first saw him, the wave of emotions that went through me were very intense.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  I wanted to cry.  I didn’t really know what I was going to do with him due to my current living situation.  I always thought about getting another cat, one that no one could take from me should we have a falling out, but Kahlo and Piper take up so much of my mental space daily, it was, until now, hard to focus on getting another cat.  Now that I have him though, I can’t see it any other way.  My family has been so supportive and it’s only been three days since I’ve had him and he’s already taking to me well.  We roll around on the floor together, I fall asleep and he is right there on my lap and he runs up to me when I come into the room.  That’s more than enough to smile about for a while.

He’s my new little dude and while my girls, Kahlo and Piper, rest comfortably (I hope) away from me, I have to open myself to love Sebastian even harder knowing that he’s probably the solution I’ve needed to fix this problem that I’ve been plagued with some time now; my co-workers say that they want me happy–this little guy just may do that for me.


My Savior

My Savior

I came to you soiled
broken at the knee
you let me lean on your spirit
offered the forgiveness I seeked
for past misdeeds

the freedom to live
in the comfort of your eyes
the radiance of your smile

my insides rumble
at the thought of something new
lifting the love of another
in the likeness of you

the touch
of my savior draped
in her glory
prophesized my life’s story
with a sweet kiss tasting
and hugs that took chills away

I run from this love
as it sinks its teeth
in my heels

I’m left bare waiting
to be saved by you

on my last leg
around this bend
there isn’t a fork in the road
it’s just a dead end

only power, super in nature
can change the outcome
I’ve dreamed for years

make me courageous
to withstand
this test of time
allow me feel it all

truth in my heart
strong on my soles
and tender in my fingers

you rest deep
in my thoughts
my second coming
the rejuvenation of a spirit
shaken by a world’s fury