Quantifying Love

When I love, I take it to the extreme, going above and beyond, no matter the cost to me physically and mentally.  The problem has always been that I can’t my love for one, for another.  When I love a person, I love them without restriction, whether it’s a family member, friend or significant other.  In the past 2-3 years, I have questioned how significant a woman has to be for me to love her above everyone/everything else in my life and it is one of the very few times my mind runs blank.  No question, I have a problem with being open, allowing others in, therefore, my love is only given to a select few.  Once they have it, I can’t take it back; trust me, I have tried.  It has single-handedly ruined my best connections, leaving my life out of order. I can’t help what I feel or what I think, which, at this point, is doing more harm than creating any positivity in my life.  Everyone wants the top of the pedestal; to feel more special than the next. I just can’t quantify like that nor can I let go and my heart cracks everyday because of it. I’m just at a loss on how to change or if I even should or could. How can it be a mistake to love without limits no matter the individual?

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Journal Entry #21

I get a lot of people telling me I ask very good questions, all without the simple answers to relieve me of the intense pressure I feel building inside me. The weight of my own mistakes and good deeds gone unnoticed. She doesn’t know how much I love; enough to cater to her physically, sometimes pushed to the brink and beyond my capacity because mentally I was broken and couldn’t be strong; possessing the inability to make the decisions that needed to be made. I am broken–on the mend to be fixed, but it’s taking some time. How can she not care when I’ve cried to her; for her heart to heal what I have destroyed?  How can love feel so good, yet hurt so badly? Kill my joy when it’s just lingering in the thinnest air possible? Seemingly, the best revenge is not seeking revenge at all. Simply ignoring an idiot completely when he hurt you–that’s you moving on with your life, but you will never know the pain I feel for your pain, for your love that’s no longer mine, the time I’ve missed hiding in your smile and how my heart jumped with every kiss you know in your heart I loved and sincerely miss. I’ve proven to myself that I can move forward–create a new life with someone else, but what happens to a soul longing for its mate that wants no part of his reach?  What fills a void that continues to expand with every happy memory of her I can’t relinquish? Meeting someone else amazing doesn’t shadow the deepest of love made only for one.  Time may heal me, but nothing can change what my soul feels for my sexy nerd–it’s just packing everything in and making room.