Lonelyville

Lonelyville

This freight train hasn’t stopped
for lovely romance scattering
hearts on the tracks
as I blaze by
I’ve tried to pull this brake
but I fear derailment

though age as slowed
me down physically
my mind moves fast in confusion
headed straight for its last destination

the town of Lonelyville

My Love is Killing Me

I keep going up and down; a walking contradiction of what I tell myself every morning–let her go!  However, I keep proving that my love is too strong.  Everything that I couldn’t do with her, I can do now and I would give anything for her to see me now. How calm I can be and rageless. The more I date, the more miserable I become. I have tried the whole fake it to make it routine and it is destroying me. Without my rage, I have so much anxiety and she is the core of it.  I just know it would work now, but her hatred for me doesn’t allow her to speak to me anymore. I can’t even remember the last time she took the time to send me a picture of my cats; see I am fucking crazy for thinking they are still my cats and I haven’t seen them in months.  I just can’t break this connection. I’ve been saying she is my soulmate for so long, my soul is broken without her. I don’t even care how I sound or how pathetic I seem. I ruined the best thing I could have hoped for and I’m paying for it ten-fold while she has moved on with her life.  Somebody shoot me now so I can feel something other than sadness PLEASE!

Apologetic Mindset

So yesterday I got one of the calls that I have been anticipating for a very long time now–the one where my ex would tell me that I have officially been replaced.  It was actually very timely, since I hung out with friends this weekend and she and our relationship was a topic of discussion for a considerable amount of time.   So I have this saying, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.  Of course, not following that, I probe and find out that the guy she is seeing is someone that I have some familiarity with–here we go again as the circle that her and I have built just keeps getting smaller and smaller.  She, of course, forgot that I was ever in his presence and that she talked about him enough for me to remember his name and most of his attributes.  I was with this girl, who I called the love of my life–my soul mate–for a number of years so I got really involved in her life, including the friends and such that were before me.  Once I got over this, which, in all honesty took maybe two minutes or less, I told her that it wasn’t necessary for her to call and tell me such things since she can’t even call me on my birthday (she had an excuse for that, albeit, not a very good one, but I told her she doesn’t owe me anything) or call to tell me how my cats are doing.  At this point, Piper and Kahlo are what I cherish most in this unforeseen downward spiral of my life in the last year and a half.  I miss them everyday and she gets to gloat and have the life that I started, with another man. Um ok.  So I guess one day, she will be having the kid that we planned to have and she will accept someone to put their ring on her finger even though she never said No to my loving and genuine gesture. I just got “oh this isn’t the ring that I really wanted, but it’s nice and oh, this isn’t a good time. Right, it wasn’t a good time–I totally take the blame for even going that route. My heart told me she would say NO even though she didn’t. Good thing for me–with therapy and a lot of time to think, I really don’t dwell too much on what was life like with her. That’s the past I can’t change, even if I wanted to.

 

Unfortunately, I did have to apologize to her a couple of times, for what I felt was stepping out of turn.  I asked if her mother and father liked him and she replied with that they haven’t met him yet, but she really didn’t care if they did or didn’t.  Of course, my reply was filled with some rage and hurt and I stated that I wished she had that mindset with me then maybe I wouldn’t have felt the way I did and wouldn’t have been the subject of so much racism.  Totally inappropriate in my book and so I apologized.  She then asked me if I was dating and I told her that I have been out with a few women here and there, even close to really dating outside of my race again, but I got scared when I thought of how much her family hated me because I was black; this new girl’s family could just like that or worse so I bolted before it started. She proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t have that fear, but that fell on deaf ears.  I’m pretty sure I’m ruined on that front.  That will always be in my mind.  I can’t be in a relationship with a person whose family doesn’t accept simply because I’m black.  That is the most ridiculous thing EVER!

 

I then told her that there is someone that could be very special and she treats me really nice, but that’s as much as I stated.  I have realized that my connection to Veronica is one of a substance that I cherish, but don’t necessarily need in my visibility range.  We have hurt each other so much and I just don’t know how to get pass the hate/pain that’s in her eyes when I see her and what she has done to me since breaking up with me.  She says it’s not intentional.  I say the way things play out tell another story. 

 

At the end of the day, she is with someone so I don’t have to worry about her safety anymore, and what has been 90% of my focus over the last 8-12 months can turn to 100% and that is all centered around the cats that were taken away from me.  I love my babies, Piper and Kahlo, and no amount of distraction from anyone, will change that fact—whether I ever see them again or not.

Recounting Bitter

Recounting Bitter

saliva stains the floor
only out of spite
of love tasting
sour on my tongue

bound at the ankles
by wasted chances
years recount
fingers interlocked
body 2 inches from lips
placed on a pedestal
resting on the mantel
of what I thought was us

unsure now
of the space we played
in as you mock me
behind strangers
kicked out bags in hand
yea,that day
I became half a man

I Give Up

It’s always something with women. I am, by no means sexist, support discrimination, however, I can provide an accurate and clear account of how the opposite sex treats me. I get dismissed because I’m short, disabled, black, too angry, too nice and the list goes on.
I’m tired–just tired of all the excuses I get from women, whether I love them, am in love with them or simply just like them–it’s always something.  I’m learning that women are fickle and don’t know what they want.  So tired of women telling me I am attractive, smart, funny, etc. but when it comes time to make a commitment to something as simple as setting up a meeting, there’s always an excuse and it doesn’t work out.  I’m finding that lately, even with the women I call friends in my life, it’s becoming a strain.  The emotional confusion, verbal disagreements that get escalated into more confusion beyond the point of my comprehension.  It’s tiring and stressful.

With guys it’s different.  I have met a nice amount of men and haven’t had any of the above problems, even when it comes to being intimate. Men are just non judgemental towards me and accept me for what I give and what they see.  So maybe I’m playing for the wrong team when it comes to settling down and looking for a long term relationship.

Missing

Missing

posted on yesterday’s
milk carton
was a smile ain’t seen
in years

tears been flowing
since that very day
mason jars collecting
memories rest
on dusty shelves

Your touch rubbed
my skin silk
can’t imitate
the sun glowing
in eyes every time
they reflected
in mine

as I search
to restore what was
lost
in the bottom
of this bottle broken

my heart searches
for its final stitch
on this road of recovery