My Soul Craves You

My Soul Craves You

my soul begs forgiveness
a pardon for crimes committed
and during the investigation
everything worth it
she took it

for pain ain’t subjective
when it hits close to home
recycled or borrowed
karma forces a reliving
of the experience

just when I think
I’m golden
I’m mourning
but those tears fall
in secret
because the new ones
don’t want to hear it

they have
their own tragedies
lies they tell
to  finagle happiess
the best way they can

we all do it
un-intentionally
abuse it
the love we seek
even when it’s standing
a few feet
in front of us

the root of my evil
the caring
unequal
so I’m forced
to relive this nightmare
in sequel after sequel

because without you
I’m nothing
too smart
to replace you
too afraid
to come get you

the one thing
I
know
for sure
my soul craves
you

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(Just Honest) Three

(Just Honest) Three

On this day of thanks
I’m reminded of what’s important
and who I’m missing
chased down for 2 long years
without an “I love you” near

may be a joke I still care
but my soul needs you here
I know better now
how to calm the storm inside of me
I know better now
who’s the most important person
to me
I know better now
because I can feel

for you I say

lo siento por todo
te amo a mi sol
cada aliento que respiro
es para la memoria

my spanish is amature at best
but for you I don’t mind
being out here imperfect
being honest and true
after all, it’s the only thing
now I can give you

Happy Thanksgiving to a memory my soul will not let die!

You’re Just an Ex, What Did You Expect

I needed closure, but I never expected the door to the love I have held so close for so long to get slammed in my face. It took a couple of weeks to work up my nerves to text her and that granted me a 45 minute conversation that left no hint of remorse and listening to phrases such as “yes, you did a lot for me after we broke up, but what do you think I owe you.” I have never known my nerd to be so cold-hearted. Her parents racist demeanor and overall hatred towards me for at least the first 2 years of our relationship, in her mind, should have had no impact on my anger even though I wanted to be accepted by them. She said they didn’t like me because they knew about my first girlfriend, years ago, that developed into one of my best friends. I didn’t know that confusion or dislike was in direct correlation with racism, but I must have been mistaken. I remember when we first met, we would have to sneak phone calls and when they found out, they would argue and take her phone away so she couldn’t talk to me. I’m pretty sure that my first girlfriend, years ago, wasn’t a factor in those types of behaviors, but I digress.

She told me she was in a different place now, which I can understand, however, the disrespect behind her tone–it was just jarring for me; my wake up call so to speak. I wanted to get coffee and talk (when we broke up and she wanted to rekindle things, she invited me for a drink–I guess I was thinking something similar without the rekindling.) I love her so much, I was willing to settle to just be in her life. My text to her was “I still love you. Is it possible to grab coffee soon.” Not have sex or kiss or talk about anything that remotely would make her uncomfortable as I know she is in a relationship. I have nothing against this guy. A couple of years back, when she was in college, once the three of us ate lunch together and she talked about him a time or two after that throughout the course of our relationship. I can’t say that she was intimate with him or not while we were together as some would assume. It’s just irrelevant at this point.

I really wanted to talk about the cats, Piper and Kahlo, the best birthday gift that I had ever received that was taken from me under false pretenses. Had I known, in clear conscience, that I would never seen my babies again, I would have never agreed to let both of them stay with her. How is it fair to me? It hurts me to no end that I have lost her and my babies, but when I think about losing them and never seeing them, some days, I must admit, that it is unbearable. I see Piper in Sebastian when he is just being chill and then when he licks my face when he feels I’m sad, I’m reminded of Kahlo. Sebastian is a welcomed addition, but he can never be a substitute for what I held so dear before him.

My wish is that Veronica could just breathe a little, remember the best part of me and then give me the courtesy of seeing them again–joint custody maybe, I don’t know. It’s frightening to me how cruel she is now. The tone she has when she talks to me. It’s a very indifferent, whatever, I don’t need this and you’re lucky I picked up the phone to talk to you, type of thing and I’m wondering how could she have ever loved me if that’s how she truly feels about me. I remember my angry self with her and I was bad enough, but I always told and SHOWED her love while I tried to work through the problem. Of course, she isn’t me. Maybe she just has either/or, happy or angry and right now, she must feel I deserve all of her discontentment. I love her anyways and will continue to think about her well-being just as I always have since the moment I met her. My love doesn’t change.

At the very least, I’ve been set free. I don’t feel the weight of wonder anymore. It has finally sunk in that Veronica being with me is a thing of the past; that family I often dreamed of is has truly vanished and I must move forward, not only for myself, but for Sebastian. If I don’t deserve a happy, healthy life, he sure does. When I don’t have courage to move on for me, I will think of him; do it for him

The Wrong Thing

I must be seeking out heartache; having a desire to know what is going on in a life that no longer belongs to me. Mentally, I am there, ashamed by my failure and devastated by my lost. Physically, miles away isolated in sorrow.  My babies no longer smell me or see me as their guardian.  Instead, they lay next to another man who probably treats them just the same–with love. That used to be what I wanted for the three of them, but now I want them back. Piper and Kahlo would learn to love my male lead, Sebastian. A true “king” in how he prances about commanding attention.  This isn’t about my new addition.  This is about an ex and what I still call family.

How could the right thing be to let go of what I love so much? The saying if you love something, let it go; if it is meant to be, it will come back to you is bullshit. I’ve shed blood, tears and everything else and now I’m ready to give everything up to claim what’s mine. A sacrifice for what I hold dear at an expense I’m not sure how great.  This is not a want, it is a need. Sebastian keeps me sane, but the void of what I’ve lost, after seeing him and them with my own eyes is bigger now. What would you do for the one thing you love most of all? Me, I’d give my freedom. I’d give my life.

Journal Entry #26

For me, the worst part about fighting depression is admitting to myself that I have to. Trying to understand the mood swings, seemingly unbearable sadness and the light I see in the far distance that I can never seem to reach no matter how much work I put in to getting there. I’m just spinning in circles, hoping something stops me before I pass out. It just never stops spinning and I never pass out, just feel light headed and overwhelmed by nothing I can truly put my finger on. It’s a messy life that I’m forced to live without a resolution; just a bunch folks adding their two cents without making sense to rambling, matter of fact, mind. Here’s to sudden suffering.

Ideal Match I Am Not

Ideal Match I Am Not

ideal match I am not
trapped inside
faulty equipment resting
at the intersection
of pathetic and improbable

my creativity isn’t crafty transforming
lemons into lemonade
without a spill or two or three

so I sit quietly
in any corner I can find
shameful of things
I can’t change
often wondering
what’s makes a societal man
into me?

my insides set ablaze
every time I visualize
my walking strategy

tears no longer flow
when bloodshed
is a language
I’ve learnt

bartering knives
used to fillet
this distinction out
of me without success
left to succumb
to the  Monster inside laughing
at my frivolous attempts
to change his Mother’s glory

so where’s my Entity?
my God when I need
some wielding power
with a force creating
canyons deep enough
to make me disappear?

ideal match I am not
left to navigate
a foreign land
where my heels don’t touch
the concrete floor 
where my knees bend
to McDonald’s arches 
even when I’m not hungry
laugh cause you think it’s funny
cry cause it’s my nightmare

and this curved spine
is my personal flash warning
predicting rain and snow
slow motion movement
why is everyone in a hurry?
it’s lonely out here 

but an ideal match I am not
so I settle 
in the crevice of my own solace
watching life slowly
murder me 
as I fade into extinction