To Only You

No matter how hard life may be or how good, my soul still aches for you. I dream of your presence and there’s no mistaken you with a present or future. Still the best thing I could breathe in our species.

I think of you at my best. I think of you at my worst. My heart wants your happiness and my spirit wants your smile. I no longer have to say your name because the universe, everything around me, says it so loudly.

If there’s ever a day you think I don’t believe you matter,  think again and breathe deep – I’m sure you’ll feel me.  Thank you from afar.

Am I Seeking Closure in the Right Direction?

In time, change is inevitable.  Around us and within us as human beings, something will have to change–eventually.  I’ve never been sincerely afraid of change as I feel I’m always in a constant state of  unknown the way my mind works. I tend to go with things, but this love thing has me stuck (I will come back to this). I’m learning not to consider myself damage goods because of the way I walk or with my mental inconsistencies making it hard for people to enjoy me for me.  One thing has always been clear, since the day, I had my head down on that table and she was smiling and eating, I knew that she was it.  In so many ways I tried to show her by the way I handled her with care, concern, compromising as best I could without totally killing what I held dear inside.  Why is it that it’s so hard to be in love when I know, both parties felt it so strongly?  I learned very early on that humans don’t all love the same way.  Some can love instantly and everyone they meet.  That’s not me.  I can love instantly, but the words take a while to form.  The feeling and actions begin to manifest in the attention I provide, but the words linger awhile longer in some other place.  I prefer action over words in 99% of the cases I experience in life and that 1% I figure I will just leave to chance.  Every relationship will have its problems, sometimes really bad times, and then good, really really good times.  I’m just not used to people loving me and it was difficult opening up to people.  With over a year of therapy, I have realized a lot of things in my life had been locked away; too afraid to face and thus have led to many predicaments and actions, I wish there was a God to take back.  For only this entity would be powerful enough to create the type of time travel I need to fix a past scattered with disappointment.  However, none greater than that of losing a family I didn’t realize I had until it was too late.  A family I dreamed of since I was 13 years old.

I remember our problems–me being angry all the time for reasons I couldn’t discuss because I just didn’t know.  I needed help, but just didn’t know to ask.  This led to drinking everyday just for me to find a sense of calmness; sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.  She was on the end of that rage when I couldn’t find peace within myself.  Words can’t express how sorry I am for that.  It wasn’t physical abuse, but I would deem it mental destruction now that I know better.  Also, one of my best friends is my high school sweetheart-known her for over 13 years and my nerd wanted me to end it.  That was harder than it may seem.  Yes, at a time, we were intimate and yes, I love her, but not in the way that one loves their soulmate (my friends, so few in nature, are like my girl without the sex so if I needed, no matter the time of day, I feel compelled to move into action–this I could have revised).

See, with my nerd, I smiled at her in the darkness when she slept.  Moved her hair out of her face so I could get a closer look.  Wiped her nose when she was sick and made sure, physically, that she never wanted for anything.  I would get up in the middle of the night just to make sure doors were locked and the stove was off.  I rubbed her feet after work and wiped away her tears as best I could.  The smallest things I just did without thinking.  However,  I forgot about emotion–because I lacked it.  Somewhere my early years, I forgot how to care about feelings on the deepest of levels; knowing that sometimes reassurance is the only medicine.  I’m learning, with help, I’m learning.

My problems with her–my tears were scarce–foreign even so when she saw them she didn’t know what to do.  Sometimes, I just needed her to say I’m here, not try to fix what was broken for I needed that experience of fixing it for myself.  For it, I have grown.  Her parents, my biggest issue of all, as she is a big family person, hated me.  Without rhyme or reason, at first, just simply because our ethnicities didn’t match.  The pain that it caused me and still causes me is very hard to put into words.  The pain it caused her, the conflict I could see in her eyes, the pleas for me to adjust and adapt in her voice, virtually unbearable.  I succumbed to those pleas a time or two and it didn’t end well for me.  No need for me to rehash those moments, but lets just imagine some of the lowest moments one can have and go from there. Racism is real, I now know that more than ever, unfortunately.  The way I love Veronica is the way I wanted her parents to love me–she’s so close to them.  I wanted them to see how much of my world she had.  Where our hearts could take us.

Finally, she had too much and had to go.  A good decision in the moment for her, but I never imagined a day she would leave me, especially not like this.  Totally disconnected.  For a while, I got it.  I understood the need to rebuild the self.  I understood the need for me to get it under control, the anger and all the other little intricacies I’m plagued with that has nothing to do with me loving her the way I do.  My mind tells me that I will and can love that girl through anything.  My mistakes have led me to see her with other people.  The intimacy of a touch I was claimed my own, now theirs and I don’t love her any less.  The totally shut off of communication has not taken away the joy she brought me for almost 4 years even though I didn’t always show it.  So it stands 4 months after we broke up I proposed, and since I’m writing this, she obviously declined.  My love has never wavered.  Whenever she called or text, I would come assisting in any way I could even when my livelihood was on the line.  Even when I knew she was with someone else and she needed help to fix something detrimental, I was there.  As mad as I was, my love’s stronger.

I was recently asked how I know she is my soulmate.  My simply reply: even now, she is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and she is the last thing I think about when I go to bed.  I worry if she is warm enough in our snow storms as I am not there to blow and kiss her hands as she murmurs tengo frio.  I worry about her safety out in the world before my own and if there was a such thing as a genie, my sole wish would be that s/he place a permanent smile on her face and joy in her heart every single second of the day.

For this reason, it has been hard to hold a relationship with someone else.  I have met some great women and I have tried to make it work, but none greater than a soulmate whose essence will not allow me to move forward in peace.

Please Remember Me

Please Remember Me

please remember
as I keep time counting
teardrops as months go by
wishing you smiles genuine
with every hug and kiss
he gives that I couldn’t

please remember as I pour
blood out my wounds filling
them with salt embracing
its stinging sensations just to feel something

my confession is a simple lesson learning
who I am, who I’m not, no longer guessing
this mating dance I can’t step to

my angers a mine field
not to be explored
though your love carried me
I’m far from shore

without the life jacket of your smiling face
my only destiny
wasting away in this disguise
I bore
anger exposed
I can’t find your tears anymore

so please remember the feels
we shared kissing
tremors down your spine
creating smiles in moonlight

for I’m more of a man
than a broken heart can fear
worthy of a soulmate’s love
some way, some day

with any ounce of you
please remember me

Journal Entry #21

I get a lot of people telling me I ask very good questions, all without the simple answers to relieve me of the intense pressure I feel building inside me. The weight of my own mistakes and good deeds gone unnoticed. She doesn’t know how much I love; enough to cater to her physically, sometimes pushed to the brink and beyond my capacity because mentally I was broken and couldn’t be strong; possessing the inability to make the decisions that needed to be made. I am broken–on the mend to be fixed, but it’s taking some time. How can she not care when I’ve cried to her; for her heart to heal what I have destroyed?  How can love feel so good, yet hurt so badly? Kill my joy when it’s just lingering in the thinnest air possible? Seemingly, the best revenge is not seeking revenge at all. Simply ignoring an idiot completely when he hurt you–that’s you moving on with your life, but you will never know the pain I feel for your pain, for your love that’s no longer mine, the time I’ve missed hiding in your smile and how my heart jumped with every kiss you know in your heart I loved and sincerely miss. I’ve proven to myself that I can move forward–create a new life with someone else, but what happens to a soul longing for its mate that wants no part of his reach?  What fills a void that continues to expand with every happy memory of her I can’t relinquish? Meeting someone else amazing doesn’t shadow the deepest of love made only for one.  Time may heal me, but nothing can change what my soul feels for my sexy nerd–it’s just packing everything in and making room.