Fuck Cancer (for mom)

Fuck Cancer (for mom)

I stand against adversity
remaining strong
though these knees are weak
and this spine  feeble
you come lean
on this pillar
of my spirit when needed
and I will carry you
in this darkness

I will not settle
for less than your best
I will not pass
on you to be meek
because I’ve seen your strength
laid at my feet

I have courage
I am brave
because you exist
in me

I may shed a tear
relax a smile
but I will not bend or break
I will act as your guard
in the face of your discomfort
my heart will not beat less
in the face of fear
I will not falter
and give in
for your illness
has already seen
its end

it can’t have you
you’re already mine

I Pack These Holes

I Pack These Holes

I pack these holes
with our memories
our girls letting
me know you’re close
to the door
pheromones fill joy
and we’re high for the night

I pack these holes
with memories
of you dancing when you think
I’m not looking
you’re gorgeous, no exceptions

I pack these holes
because without you
I’m broken
moving in this existence
to just exist

I pack these holes
with everything you were
and everything we could have been
an essence
sweet to the taste
with a backbone
strong, never brittle

I pack these holes
with tearless dreams
where bloodshed
happened only in nightmares

I pack these holes
with a simple dream
one day I’ll hear
your voice again

Missing The Real Picture

Missing The Real Picture

a snapshot seals
your smile
a kiss where our lips meet
for affection
now gone, conflicted
with images mocking
mistakes too stubborn to see

and filled with so many feels
on every anniversary and birthday
I’m missing
tears flow
without a lever to close

my troubled soul overflows
with surrendering defeat
beating my heart to forgive
me for the stress its under
riding this rollercoaster
of disappointing love
to my inevitable extinction

sometimes I bathe in remission
spitting out the blood
of what I defiled
simply wishing I could press
rewind on this broken love story
for I hold the cassette
that plays Soulmates Eternal
an original made
in your honor
ears burning to the chorus
a rekindle you can’t fantom
2 years too long
but my attitude can’t appreciate you anymore

Just Eh

Unfortunately, the older I get the less Christmas has a meaning.  I’m not religious so there isn’t a true tie there and I’m not keen on large family/friend gatherings so the 25th of December doesn’t lend itself to me gearing up to see folks I haven’t seen in a while.  I guess it doesn’t help that I believe if you truly love someone, you shouldn’t wait until a holiday to call or go see them, but I guess that’s just me.  I did wish I could see my cats, Kahlo and Piper, but that is was a thought dead in the water before it fully materialized. I wish them and my ex the best today as I do everyday.

For the most part, I’ve been pretty chill today.  I’ve had minor anxiety flare ups, but not to the point I’m reaching for pills.  I just keep looking at Sebastian (my new cat) and wondering if he can see it, feel it–the antsy-ness inside of me.  He’s a pretty chill cat though and, at times, I wonder if he’s happy here.  I haven’t had much interaction outside of myself so I can’t be sure if this is his natural demeanor or if he is unhappy with my unhappiness.  That’s probably my mind just creating things, allowing myself to be negative as always.  However, it brings me to my next point–in therapy, the other day, we talked about Jacob, the other me, and how I truly felt about him and his actions.  I came to the conclusion that Jacob doesn’t exist; a strong figment of my imagination that rely on so I don’t have to accept my responsibility.  My therapist shied away from this stating in so many words that it is too early for him to really tell if I have an alter or personality disorder or whatever.  I won’t accept it.  I preach about responsibility to myself and others so much, believing in Jacob would really be a contradiction to everything I try to represent.  In 2014, I’m trying to regain my life without him.  I did tell my therapist that I have anxiety issues and a mind that ends up everywhere so I need meds for that, but just that.  This other me is a thing of the past.  I have allowed my anger, fear and whatever else that is negative inside me to get the best of me for far too long and I have lost (damn, I have lost) so much over it.  Not anymore.  I am making concious efforts to rid myself of the monster that lives inside me; become one with and embrace him for who and what he is, just me.  Jacob, you only have a week, give or take to do your thing, because I’m getting your cage ready.

Mending Heart

Mending Heart

distrust, racism, and rage allowed love to slip
through closed fists
slick like lotion melting
off sides as her hot romances come over to play

I donned the hat of fool drenched
in night sweats
envisioning her entangled
in someone else’s spoon
scooped out my heart thrown against the wall shattered spending months to place
its pieces back together perfectly

put down thoughts of our unborn on the shelf sits
the proposal I wasted
broken cylinders holding
what I called our life has found
its resting place in the trash

no longer counting hours or days completed my 12 steps curing
the addiction of Sunshine
that almost killed me

without her intoxication
I’m able to breathe
tear-free most days
but I can live
with the residue of you
so long I can comprehend
my past hasn’t outlined
my future hiding
behind the fact that even now she can’t be a friend when I need
her most
without a sexual reference
I still care
I’m just no longer there being bludgeoned
by hatred and burned emotion

I thrive on luck, throwing
pennies in wishing wells for comfort and strength sending
a slice of happiness her way
while smiling in the dark

Another Night With Mind Racing

Last night I didn’t sleep at all so tonight I decided to take my meds to slow me down. So far, they aren’t working. My mind has just been wondering all over the place lately and I feel alone. No one understands me.  I’ve had people hell and blow up at me and some have just talking to me all together, however, I have been diligent in keeping my anger in check.  I believe desparation is beginning to sink in and I’m following my instincts less and less.I’m becoming sloppy and unfocused.  Now it is time to get back on track, focus on the goal of moving in a few months, getting another car and work on containing my love life.  I know who I’m in love with, but that is a mere technicality that I will have to overlook, possibly for the rest of my life; something I’m more than willing to take on with as much strength as I can.  However, even with the consistency of failed dates I have been on in recent weeks, dealing with my mom being in the hospital,I must continue to keep the bigger picture in mind. I will learn to have faith in the unknown and believe that someone out there can and will understand me and love me for me.  I will get my job situation under control, and not give up on myself. I’m strong. I can continue and will.