Feels like I haven’t written in a while besides poetry and even that’s a struggle to finish these days. My mind has been in a weird place, stressed both personally and professionally. After a minor mental break that kept me in bed this past Monday, I have decided to set some limitations with how many hours I work a week and not bringing work home everyday. Personally is a very different story. Dealing a lot with family issues has also added to the self-neglect. Trying to assist my mom and sister financially has been a losing battle so I had to finally say enough is enough. The double stress, the worry of how to swim when I know I’m sinking and having to “get the job done” at work has really tested my resolve lately. I mean I know my job is overwhelming–I have only been in this position for about a month and 1 person has quit and another has succumb to his own emotions, professionally and personally, and now is on medical leave. Both of these inviduals had a spot in the same role/team I am on.
With this in mind, I will see how I do in the coming weeks mentally. I’m trying to find my peaceful place before I totally break down.
Last night I didn’t sleep at all so tonight I decided to take my meds to slow me down. So far, they aren’t working. My mind has just been wondering all over the place lately and I feel alone. No one understands me. I’ve had people hell and blow up at me and some have just talking to me all together, however, I have been diligent in keeping my anger in check. I believe desparation is beginning to sink in and I’m following my instincts less and less.I’m becoming sloppy and unfocused. Now it is time to get back on track, focus on the goal of moving in a few months, getting another car and work on containing my love life. I know who I’m in love with, but that is a mere technicality that I will have to overlook, possibly for the rest of my life; something I’m more than willing to take on with as much strength as I can. However, even with the consistency of failed dates I have been on in recent weeks, dealing with my mom being in the hospital,I must continue to keep the bigger picture in mind. I will learn to have faith in the unknown and believe that someone out there can and will understand me and love me for me. I will get my job situation under control, and not give up on myself. I’m strong. I can continue and will.
It’s always something with women. I am, by no means sexist, support discrimination, however, I can provide an accurate and clear account of how the opposite sex treats me. I get dismissed because I’m short, disabled, black, too angry, too nice and the list goes on.
I’m tired–just tired of all the excuses I get from women, whether I love them, am in love with them or simply just like them–it’s always something. I’m learning that women are fickle and don’t know what they want. So tired of women telling me I am attractive, smart, funny, etc. but when it comes time to make a commitment to something as simple as setting up a meeting, there’s always an excuse and it doesn’t work out. I’m finding that lately, even with the women I call friends in my life, it’s becoming a strain. The emotional confusion, verbal disagreements that get escalated into more confusion beyond the point of my comprehension. It’s tiring and stressful.
With guys it’s different. I have met a nice amount of men and haven’t had any of the above problems, even when it comes to being intimate. Men are just non judgemental towards me and accept me for what I give and what they see. So maybe I’m playing for the wrong team when it comes to settling down and looking for a long term relationship.
I’m proud of myself for the track that I’ve been on. I have been steadily taking my meds and staying away from negativity. I’m consistently trying to understand and stay away from anything that may trigger anxiety and/or anger. So far it has been working. I’ve also been able to keep my stress levels down at work even with an increasing workload.
I’m just looking for positive encounters and surrounding myself around genuine people that believe in honesty and humility. All of these changes are helping me internally for the better. That, at least, makes me smile.