Unknown Love

Unknown Love

I smell you
but can’t see you
I feel you
but can’t touch you
I hear you
but I can’t hold you

yet I smile
for the warmth
I receive
in the image
I believe
I love you
as you are

angered or calm
happy or sad
hand in hand
as always
even in spirit
I’m your man

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Journal Entry #12

The universe is very unforgiving.  For every action, positive or negative, there’s a reaction.  Sometimes life throws you lemons and you can’t make lemonade.  Sometimes there is just nothing that can be done to make things better.  It is not enough that one of the people I love most in this life, my life, wants nothing to do with me.  It’s not enough that I can’t have, see, pet, love my cats the way I want to love them.  Tact on the emotional rollercoaster and meds that I have went through in the last 8 months to regulate my mood, it amazes me that I’m still standing; way stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.

However, I think about death way more than I should–if I’m really honest with myself.  I have bouts of loneliness, not because I can’t hold down a relationship or find a woman that doesn’t drive me nuts daily since Veronica, but because I am so unsure of myself now.  I have always been a confident man, but lately I have second guessed everything I have ever done or seem to hope to become. I think I need to rethink who I am, because I just don’t feel I know anymore.  What’s to become of a person that has love, but can’t feel it?

Releasing

Releasing

please remove your junk
from inside the walls
of this harbored nest
you used to settle in

laden in the night sky
blanketed by the dusk’s air
I keep you relevant
every time fingers pound
keys in frustration

my soul hopes to drop
a piece of you
in the gutter where you’ve placed
my heart without its cover
for protection
muddied from footprints
and little girls pretending
to be women over 25
lost in the shuffle I scream
for your assistance

you have become deaf
to the electric current that used
alert you of my dying need
so I lay strapped
with a pint of gin
cigar in hand
hoping one day
to stand erect
smiling true
within a life without you

My Problems ARE more Important

I get sick of people trying to place me on a guilt trip about not seeing past the smile and seeing the good. For most of my life, I have been told I let my problems consume me; they are bigger than me and bigger than anyone else in my life. That’s just the way I operate until I have a concrete resolution that will fix the issue.

When so call friends say I thinok my problems are bigger than the world, I automatically shut down. I immediately think i’m hanging around the wrong people when I hear this judgment out of their mouths. Is it too much for people to get to know me and understand that I don’t really care what they think.  I can only be who I am.