Life Everchanging

So I woke up this morning, in my car, on the side of the road. Shoes were off and the seat was let back. When I came to, it was about 9 AM.  Of course, with my various blends of meds to keep my mind in line, I was running all over the place trying to recap last night’s timeline. With a little deep breathing, I began to remember going to 2 bars before ending up a nightclub for a birthday party, already with gin pumping through my body. I remember dancing, singing, laughing and pushing my way through hordes of people to make it to the bathroom.  What’s foggy is how I ended up on the side of the road. I have never been a clubgoer, having the opportunity to be reckless, but I have also never been alone for so long.  If I were to do my on therapeutic evaluation, I would say I’m compensating for the things I’ve lost on my journey to this point in my life.  Life makes its own plan, I have learned.  I’m slowly becoming ok with that.  Even in the midst of all things considered of what I shouldn’t be doing, I am becoming more comfortable with myself every time I step outside my box. So in order to continue this progress, I guess I have to let the bad in with the good.

State of Confusion

State of Confusion

missing the sexiness
of your breath
brushing the nape
of my neck

mixed at the bottom
of that broken glass
dripping red wine

I imagine
the hell fire I’m stuck
in every time I stare
at the barren wasteland
behind your eyes

hearing your voice
echoing the moans
of your lovers
as they push inside

pleasuring them
as if they’re me

true belief
isn’t coming to terms
with a past unjust
a beggar’s wish
for sustenance denied

my pride is left
to stand trial
without a judge or jury
to weigh in the facts

a hasty conviction
has me resting
in purgatory

Back to the Drawing Board

I’m in a tough place right now.  With my mom 2 weeks post surgery, out of rehab and getting on the very last nerve I can muster up nowadays, my dating life just keeps sinking.  Every woman or girls I should say (no maturity level whatsoever) has just been a total let down and I’m not even getting my hopes up.  That’s the bad, pathetic part about all of this.  I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels here.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I know who I am and I’m very comfortable in my skin for the most part; it’s allowing me to be sociable and outgoing no matter the setting.  My meds are working wonders, that is, until I forget to take them or I just at such a heightened state that my anxiety gets the best of me.  For the most part, I keep that under control.  On to the topic at hand.  I just displeased with the women that approach me or that I deem to be a good fit initially.  I get the standard attractive bit, but I’m just really lacking substance.  One girl, I pretty much wasted 3 weeks of my fucking life on, just because she was insecure with her body.  Apparently, she thought she was too fat for me and ASSUMED I didn’t like her.  I guess I didn’t have an opinion in the matter because she bolted without so much as a goodbye; literally blocking me on instant messenger, leaving my emails unanswered and not returning my phone calls.  Who the hell does that after initiating conversation with someone every day for 3 weeks–just a buzz kill.  Everything before, since and in between that has been equally bad–well, at least I haven’t had my time wasted.  I just don’t know what women are looking for.  I’m honest–way too honest sometimes, but I prefer that then lying.  I thought that was noble, but I guess not.

So I would like to think that I’m fairly attractive, have a decent job, in many ways compassionate, strong, sensitive and I definitely don’t have a problem with commitment.  The idea of NOT being in a relationship is weird to me.  Anyways, until next time, I will continue my search for the woman that will steal my heart away and marry my soul. Here’s a drink towards a happy future.