So I woke up this morning, in my car, on the side of the road. Shoes were off and the seat was let back. When I came to, it was about 9 AM. Of course, with my various blends of meds to keep my mind in line, I was running all over the place trying to recap last night’s timeline. With a little deep breathing, I began to remember going to 2 bars before ending up a nightclub for a birthday party, already with gin pumping through my body. I remember dancing, singing, laughing and pushing my way through hordes of people to make it to the bathroom. What’s foggy is how I ended up on the side of the road. I have never been a clubgoer, having the opportunity to be reckless, but I have also never been alone for so long. If I were to do my on therapeutic evaluation, I would say I’m compensating for the things I’ve lost on my journey to this point in my life. Life makes its own plan, I have learned. I’m slowly becoming ok with that. Even in the midst of all things considered of what I shouldn’t be doing, I am becoming more comfortable with myself every time I step outside my box. So in order to continue this progress, I guess I have to let the bad in with the good.
I’m in a tough place right now. With my mom 2 weeks post surgery, out of rehab and getting on the very last nerve I can muster up nowadays, my dating life just keeps sinking. Every woman or girls I should say (no maturity level whatsoever) has just been a total let down and I’m not even getting my hopes up. That’s the bad, pathetic part about all of this. I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels here. For the first time in my life, I feel like I know who I am and I’m very comfortable in my skin for the most part; it’s allowing me to be sociable and outgoing no matter the setting. My meds are working wonders, that is, until I forget to take them or I just at such a heightened state that my anxiety gets the best of me. For the most part, I keep that under control. On to the topic at hand. I just displeased with the women that approach me or that I deem to be a good fit initially. I get the standard attractive bit, but I’m just really lacking substance. One girl, I pretty much wasted 3 weeks of my fucking life on, just because she was insecure with her body. Apparently, she thought she was too fat for me and ASSUMED I didn’t like her. I guess I didn’t have an opinion in the matter because she bolted without so much as a goodbye; literally blocking me on instant messenger, leaving my emails unanswered and not returning my phone calls. Who the hell does that after initiating conversation with someone every day for 3 weeks–just a buzz kill. Everything before, since and in between that has been equally bad–well, at least I haven’t had my time wasted. I just don’t know what women are looking for. I’m honest–way too honest sometimes, but I prefer that then lying. I thought that was noble, but I guess not.
So I would like to think that I’m fairly attractive, have a decent job, in many ways compassionate, strong, sensitive and I definitely don’t have a problem with commitment. The idea of NOT being in a relationship is weird to me. Anyways, until next time, I will continue my search for the woman that will steal my heart away and marry my soul. Here’s a drink towards a happy future.