Baby Steps

The hardest part of breaking up, for me, is giving up.  I’m finally starting to put one foot in front of the other without factoring in a timeline.  This time I have been trying to stay away from my ex and focusing my time and mental capacities on not freaking out over the small details of what’s wrong with my life.  Technically, since it is near the end of spring break, I decided to clean up the back of my closet.  Digging through old bags and boxes, of course I would come across old clothes belonging to my nerd.  For the last few days, I have been doing pretty good controlling the urge to hear her voice, see her smile and feel her touch.  To my surprise, I was able to wrap her clothes up quickly enough to not feel anything.  Don’t get me wrong, I miss her everyday, but I think I am finally able to make baby steps forward in my life.  I am trying to not be vengeful, smile and tell myself that if no one loves me in this life, that’s fine because I love me.  Now all I need to do is find something inside of me big enough to love.

Dealing with Triggers

I need to be more mindful of the things that trigger sudden mood changes. I need to find ways not to think about things that bother me i.e. my ex, work, my cats–all the things that contribute to me spacing out. While coming home from work today, I almost had an accident because I spaced out. I totally forgot where I was and I only came to, when I heard the car’s horn blaring right next to me. If I didn’t react so quickly that could have been very bad for me. I know it’s great that I recognize these things, I just wish I wasn’t going through them. I feel like, truly if it is not one thing, it is definitely another sending me down the path of Lost Time. There have been strange periods when I have no clue what’s going on and my memory is shot. I have no concept of things that take place in the short or long-term. I find myself writing more notes at work, just to keep things straight in my head; processes I know backwards and forwards, escape me.

I believe the key is, although will prove very difficult, is to stay away from my triggers. It is how I was able to start controlling my anger. I simply removed myself from the things that enabled me to be angry. For example, I stopped drinking everyday because doing so allowed me to tell myself I was drinking simply to relax my nerves. I convinced myself that I needed to drink in order not to be angry. This wasn’t true. I have only had 4 glasses of wine this year and I haven’t been angry nor have I had a true desire to drink because of frustration, etc. I learned to cope. I just need to figure out how to cope with my current problem. The issue is much different from me being angry. See I knew I was angry and I was able to admit to myself and that was half the battle. I’m losing this war because I just don’t know what I’m combating. I just know that something is there, taunting me that I can’t see and it is torturing me physically and mentally. Until I figure out what IT is, I need to stay away from things that stress me out, make me think deep thoughts and things that make me think about love and my future. These are all things that stand out in my mind as having that mind-altering effect on me that is causing me to space out. I just need to treat it like I did my anger and control it by creating a body for it. That way I can fight it head on and win. I just need to be able to see IT for what it is and not multiple things at once.

Therapy Time

Tonight in therapy, we explored various facets of depression.  and it has been noted that I’m beyond the notion of being just sad.  Which I already knew of course.  I don’t know what I am and the only reason I say I’m depressed is because it is the only commonly, widespread term that I know where others may be able to related.  Do I feel depressed most of the time?  NO. I feel something else that I can’t really put into words.  I can’t really focus and think about what is really driving me nuts.  The one thing that I am certain of is my relationship with my ex and that is why I talk about it because it is easy to do.  I always have loved talking about her; here, it is just a different context.  My issue(s) extend far beyond that and I’m quite sure of it.  I just don’t know how to deal or manage with anything else, because although it exist, I can’t quite pinpoint it in actuality.  Probably doesn’t make sense to most, but it sure makes sense to me.

A Heart’s Thoughts

the corners of my mouth
don’t turn upward
anymore

I lost that on Sheridan
along with four pairs
of paws

and a heart
that refurbished
my spirit

buried in our ruins
are images of unborn
children and wedding bells

still stuck
in the crawl space
of my brain cells

awaiting your return

Letters of a Love

Dear Love of my life,

I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t know what to say when you call. I want to tell you I love you, but I know you don’t believe me. It hurts me to see you hurting so much, but it hurts me even more to have you back in my arms. For the past has me in this hold and I can’t break free.

Dear Love of my life,

Hi, how are you? I know that is stupid to ask you since you’re probably sitting over there thinking of me and why I’m being so cold. I’m not. I don’t know how to be all about you and all about me at the same time anymore. I feel that I tried for so long to make you happy and I couldn’t get through to you. Somewhere along the line between you and me, I gave up. Just remember I love you. I always will, but this just may be the end.

Dear Love of my life,

I hope you’re doing fine; holding yourself together and smiling. You are worth something. You are loved even if it is from a distance away. I think about you most days and smile. Some of my best memories are shared with you and our babies are doing just fine. No need to worry about them–I love and care for them with you in mind.

Dear Love of my Life,

Please don’t take it personally, what I do in my life. It is not a reflection of how I feel about you, but more so, what I need to do for myself in the moment. One day, maybe, our paths will cross again and we will have what we both wanted, years ago, now finally together.

The above, are letters I imagined my love would write to me–in her voice; so kind, concerned and loving. I know without a doubt that she worries about me and loves me immensely. My current state of mind is just unable to process it at this time. As was a few years ago, when she smiled, cried and told me how she loved and wanted me. How I was the best thing in the world. I was just too angry–too caught up in my own world to see the value in her. Now I’m in a similar state; mourning the loss of a life I so desperately dreamed of, but unequipped to handle in its fullest capacity.

Being Depressed

I don’t want to write because all I feel I write about, is being depressed. My emotions are out of my control at this point. At work, I just put my head down in spare moments and/or turn away from my boss so she doesn’t see my facial expression(s) change from happy to sad, sad to angry and everything in between. It’s getting harder by the day and no amount of therapy is going to help if the session lasts barely an hour. I need something else. I need something more. I need something stronger to cope; to deal with the ever-changing tide that is rumbling inside my head. I don’t know what I’m feeling or why I feel it half the time I’m breathing. IT just is and it is beyond my scope of comprehension. I don’t know what I’m searching for or what I want. I just don’t, not anymore.

Confused Denial

I’ve been going back and forth with myself about whether or not I need to be on medication–some type of mood stabilizer or anit-anxiety pill. I’m just afraid of medication, because I feel it will be proof that I’ve lost of sense of what I was and what I am. That I’m a struggling pile of useless crap that can’t seem to gel together to formulate a coherent thought that can ultimately bring me happiness. I struggle in secret because I can’t talk about being depressed and what it is doing to me mentally. I am able to hide the physical effects, but mentally I’m left to my own devices and obviously I’m being ripped apart. I realize how great of a liar I’m still able to be and how I’m able to mislead myself at times. The truth is I need help. I NEED HELP, but I’m never going to get it if I can’t get it through my head to admit it when it matters. I keep telling myself that I can deal. That I’m not weak, but strong and I can make it through everything I hate about myself and turn this fake smile into something really worth smiling about, but then again, maybe I can’t. Maybe this is the life I’m meant to lead–complaining to myself on WordPress because I don’t care about being judged or have any remorse about what I currently do to myself. Then again, maybe I do and that’s why I’m hitting these keys with such disdain, I want to bury myself somewhere and disappear. The only thing that seems to bring me joy is my job and I can’t seem to focus there because of the experiences I’m having personally. I’m blowing off people who I usually hang out with or force myself to be social because it is the only thing that takes my mind off my problems, if even for a little while. I feel like I’m ready to give in at this point. So much I have yet to talk about because it is just so much to say, I don’t know where to start. So I talk about Veronica here because, through everything, her being an issue, is the least of my problems and damn that’s saying a lot. I’ve taken my sleeping pills so I guess I will call it a night. Let’s just see how long it will last. My hope is dwindling and I don’t even think I care about that anymore. All I can think about is pain. Just pain.

Just Missing

I’m thinking about my decision to walk away from my ex; rethinking it actually.  Of course, I miss her.  I always will, however, I miss my babies even more.  I don’t know how I have been able to stay away from them so long. Maybe because I always knew it would be a matter of time before I saw them again.  Now I’m not so sure.  I can’t see them without seeing her and that just causes me all sorts of anxiety. I love her so much, but I love Piper and Kahlo just as equally. I’m dreading their birthday next month. I anticipating it killing me not being in their faces, but getting them and seeing how they’ve as been a very enlightening experience for me. I miss Kahlo licking my cheeks and nose in the morning to wake me and I miss Piper laying beside me, wrapping her paws around my arm and looking at me with sleepy eyes. The smallest things I miss the most. In this life I live, it seems I can’t get anything right.

Dream of Being Wanted

I woke up thinking about her because of a dream I had.  I can’t remember the last time I felt she wanted me, if not, for personal gain.  I just didn’t feel I mattered in these last few months.  There were limited hugs and virtually no sex.  The no sex should have been a clear sign that I was obsolete; I had been replaced by something or someone of better quality.  I have never handled rejection or abandonment well.  So the last time I saw her, sex wasn’t an option because I was afraid of being rejected.  It would be nice to have someone want me in every way, every time they see me, but I haven’t had that wanted feeling in so long, I think I might have forgotten how to recognize the signs of it.  How can I know I’m truly love if words are all I hear and actions are few to follow?  It would be nice to feel these feelings again.  I know she loves me, just not love me anymore and that is a hard pill for me to swallow.

Lost in Thought

memories diluted in gin
self-infliction undress permanent scars
hidden by long sleeves
feigning for the tourniquet and heroin
deep-rooted to adolescence

the devil’s children played
at my playground
throwing wood chips and spitting
what calms a spirit tormented
by demons unwilling to fight?

a soft touch on skin
accompanied by a smile, twinkling eyes
two arms wrapped
around my body
bodes a quick fix

hands search
for chemistry
but in this abyss
I’m alone
not even a shadow
for friendship
let’s look to the guillotine
for comfort