Hatred Killed Guilt

Despite what I put in the title, it’s not exactly true, but I am moving toward a more relaxed state of mind when it comes to my past with my ex.  She told me the other day that she not only may love someone else, but also that she has been intimate with him since October–after she told me that she stopped after she slept with him the first couple of times a few months after we broke up in March.  I have put every ounce of my being into rectifying my life and us for the past year and every time I turn around a corner, I find another lie staring me in the face.  For this reason, I will no longer make excuses for her actions.  Her actions are her own and she has consistently hung me out to dry while setting up my expectations of a relationship with her.  I have remnants of hatred swirling around in my soul when it comes to her, but the love I have for her far outweigh how much I could ever hate her, it seems.  I appreciate her honesty because she could have continued to deceive me.  I appreciate her ability to make it known that she is messing up and I also appreciate the fact that this morning she told me that she is tired of fighting me and she is worth trusting again if I give her the chance.  Obviously, I have proven to myself that my love for her can sustain even through the most hurtful circumstances.  I can be objective and assist no matter how much the anger in me disapprove; I can be here and stand strong.  I just can’t intervene.  If she truly loves me the way she says she does, she will now have to make the effort on her own to show me.  She will now have to take responsibility for her own actions and know that she has spreaded a path of lies and hurt that is beyond some of the things that I have ever done.  If this is clearly about revenge in her eyes, she has repaid me ten-fold and I’m still standing, waiting on the love of my life to change–if ever possible–she will have to do it while I stand on the side, supporting her through a looking glass.  I am no longer able to have a guilty conscience when she has love and lied with someone else.  However, I am able to forgive–for love is all about forgiveness.

Made my Day Calmer

Obviously, I love my cats, but I LOVE lions. I always have and when I was little kid, I dreamed that one day I would be able to do this. SO COOL!

The Hatred Love

There really is a thin line between love and hate; tonight the line was crossed. I have been letting her play me like a fiddle,and I’m just getting burned beyond recognition. After a brief argument about sex, I told her I hated her.  She can’t see the effects of me being strong and listening to her sleep with this other guy countless times while she places me in a box, only to be pulled out for serious matters.

She says our connection runs deeper than sex and she doesn’t need to have sex with me to feel me.  She doesn’t understand that I would be ok with that to a degree if she wasn’t out fucking someone else.  She says sex with him is good because she doesn’t have to think about it.  She says with me things are complex, I think too muxh about whether or not I’m good enough, etc.  My response: you should be glad there is a man out there that sees you as more than some pussy.  It’s just really hard to trust her when she’s lied so much about fucking other people and for how long while having me around still.  The hatred that’s building for her as already turned on myself. I keep getting into situations with her that deplete every ounce of me.  Down right sabotage affecting my self-worth.

I Just Don’t Know

The up and down continues.  Yesterday evening, my nerd calls me and just says I need you. I’m im trouble.  I immediately panicked.  Thinking the worst, I rush over to her place, going 80+ on the E way. I get there and of course, the trouble she was in, involved the current guy she’s been messing around with. The range of emotions that varied through my veins at the very second she dropped her news on me was paralyzing.  The hardest thing I did was not get angry.  As the raged brewed, I just telling myself that it wasn’t worth it.  Now considering she is in a pretty bad way, she has been so nice and honest–sharing things that I don’t care to know–how she has been lying to me since October and the level of remorse she has. As I had to understand how Karma works, she’s now understanding–realizing her lies had put her in this current predicament.

Since I was the first person she could call as always, because she knows I will always be there just like during our relationship.  That’s not the point though, the REAL point is that even though I was angry, I also felt special and needed for once.  She wanted me to sleep over so I did and we talked some more and she told me how she appreciated me and continued to be honest about everything.  Today, I’m still in her face and she has been smiling at me ever since and I can’t help getting caught in the what if. What if this is the opportunity to reconnect the way I’ve wanted to? I’m freaking out that I may be playing with fire and over-exposing myself for a let down, but my love for her is seemingly allowing me to do anything she needs me. I don’t think I can stop, because I’ve wanted to for so long. I guess the piercing headache and overall body pain from ongoing anxiety that I have been feeling for the last two days, is well worth it. Sigh, what am I doing to myself?

It’s Been a Year, but. . .

So apparently I haven’t been thinking about this break up situation in the way that I need to.  I’m really trying to put my feelings in a box, lock it tight and throw the key in the river. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way and I need to accept that this process is going to take a lot longer than I’m anticipating for 2 reasons:  1) Yes, we have been broken up for nearly a year next month, however, we have been emotionally connected and trying to iron things out since, what, 2 weeks ago.  This is something that I know my mind is not readily focusing on, but should be—I need to be taking this into account because it’s a big part of my current situation and 2) I love her so much that the thought of truly letting her go is probably my worst fear.  Literally, I can’t think of anything I’m truly afraid of that trumps the fact that, what if I never talk to her again, see her again, EVER!  It is driving me to the point of not being able to focus—my mood keeps changing drastically from content to sad, in a matter of seconds, back and forth.  I’m finding it very hard right now to hold it together.  However, the great thing about me is I find it very hard to admit defeat so this is something that I’m going to fight to the bitter end.

Instincts

“I’ve been in love twice. I’ve thought I was in love more times than that, just goes to show you can’t always trust your gut.”

Kudos to Echoes of Yesterday– the quote above just resonated with me so much.  In my struggles, I’ve tried to rely on my instincts, not rely on them just to figure out the difference in varied situations without much success in dealing with people. It boils down to just me being stuck in this loop. I wish I knew who I was, but I don’t.  I live in secret; physically and mentally and as much as I want to change everything that’s wrong with me, I can’t. I just don’t know how.

Catch 22

Doomed if I do or don’t–this is what I’m faced with.  On one hand, I love the fact that my ex can still pick up the phone to say she misses me or that she loves me or that one day we will be together again, but on the other hand, it definitely sets me back a step.  It takes a good amount of time whenever I hear her voice or see her to get over that fact that it may be a long time before I’m in that situation again.  It takes a while for my mental state to adjust.  With that said, I shouldn’t want to see her or hear her voice–I get sad, depressed even at the thought of having to go long periods without it.  The fact that lived with her for almost a hear is just wearing on me.  The routine of it all.  Now I’m stuck in this place of instant gratification from the notion that I’m  not an afterthought in her mind and in have a place somewhere in heart still, but I must face the undeniable fact that being in contact with her, then not, feels like she is breaking up with me over and over again.  I’m at a lost.

Turnaround

Tonight was a very interesting night.  I went out with a benefit– something that I’m working on as far as people categories are concerned.  I need to understand and assess what people mean to me and in order to do that, I need to categorize them.  Moving on, the night was just ok.  The earth didn’t move, but she is somebody that will allow herself to be available, I just happened to chance the opportunity on this one and go out on a Friday night.  We got pizza and it was nice to not think for a couple of hours.  Ok, now to the point, as I’m driving around aimlessly, going nowhere in particular, I get a call from my ex, my nerd, Veronica, whatever I’m calling her these days, I’m not sure.  The only thing I’m sure of is that I can’t stay mad at her for long periods of time.  I feel my anger rustling inside me; scratching on the surface of my larynx for me to yell out obscenities at her.  The fact is, I can’t.  I used to think it was because of my guilt.  It’s not.  It’s just simply my love for her.  The admiration that I have for her as a woman and what she means to me as a whole.  I can bitch and complain about her all I want, but that woman has a hex on me; something that I can’t shake.  The sound of her voice is so soothing.

So we start talking about her struggles without each other, careers, etc. and things start sounding very similar, she notes.  She stated that she is glad that she now knows she isn’t crazy because of the similar things we feel.  Once again, I know I’m getting sucked into some major disappointment because I can’t help, but put stock into her–dammit she is well worth the trouble; bank on it.

Purity

So I told the story of how I got my ex’s purity ring to a friend the other day:

On our first date, I noticed a shiny, silver ring perfectly placed on her finger with the words: TRUE. LOVE. WAITS.  Utilizing a perfect conversation starter, we discussed the process in which she got it and what it meant to her.  A few months later, we’re at a musuem having a casual outing when she smiles at me.  She proceeded to hand me a small baggie containing her purity ring and some small hearts.  I smiled back not knowing what it really meant, but I felt good in the moment, so much so that I wore it around my neck on a chain for months after that.  As the years went by, we moved in together and it got lost in the shuffle.  My ex recently found it and asked me if I wanted it back.  I asked if she wanted to give it back, she said I gave it to you, it’s yours.  On V Day, I attempted to give it back, she wouldn’t touch it and again exclaimed, it was mine and if I didn’t want it, I should throw it away.

Days later, I still have it; pondering over its significance and it has finally come to me–I know what it means to me, to us; that no matter where our lives takes us, that ring bonded us then as it binds us now.  I’m glad I didn’t throw it away because THIS is truly the best gift I have ever gotten–more than a lion statue or even my cats (which is very hard to compare since I love them like my children).  Tuesday night, holding this ring in the palm of my hand gave me a certain calmness that allowed me to fall asleep in peace; a night’s sleep I desparately needed.

2 Days Later

It’s been two days since I last talked to my nerd and although the anger still remains from what happened on V Day, I miss her. I don’t expect for it to go away anytime soon as I know the love I have for her will never subside; I just eant things to be manageable. I feel like I’m going out of my way to cope–only listening to rap music because everything seems to make me think about her–love songs, etc.  It seems like, even when I’m angry, all I have is my love for her. I just wish things were the way my heart tells me it’s supposed to be.  As I learn to cope with another heartbreak, I need to learn patience.